Being more Negative
The Mathematics, Economics and Linguistics of Spirituality.
“Inside the mind of you, that is if you’re not perfect”
By
Matt Edmund
2
So as you might have thought, I chose this title to catch
your attention. And why shouldn’t it? Day after day we are told to be positive
and to always look at the brighter side of life often neglecting the reasons
for which we really feel so disgruntled and beguiled. Yes somedays when I wake
up I feel ecstac, but there are so many where there is this nagging inner
question of what’s next? Is this my life? Have I did everything I wanted this
past 5 years that I promised myself I would do? I guess I can go into some nice
depressing verbosity and assume you will empathize greatly, but I will save the
spiritual prose for later, but it is true. How many times I find myself in the
“self-help” section, which you are obviously in right now, trying to find a
remedy to the monotony of life. Who knows what triggers the spontaneous relapse
of the unequivocal need to change. Maybe it is a problem with the ‘ball and
chain’ or people at work truly not realizing your true potential. The list is
endless, but nevertheless, it will put you in that same spot. This spot is as
peculiar as it is precarious. Some see it as a sign that the direction in life
in which they are heading is flawed as others might see it as a personal weakness,
but at the end of the day you are there. Well, for me, I don’t like this
feeling of emotional insecurity and emptiness. I used to neglect it and say I
don’t need help, look at me, I know what I am doing. Maybe compare myself
against other people in my life or try to justify the reasons. Sometimes I
would even get to the point where life seem that it has climaxed and monotony
of the American or whatever dream is all I had left. The red flags really
started hitting is when I would change my life. Maybe it was my friends, or the
where I lived at the time. There was a certain ecstacy of meeting new people and
new surroundings but eventually the high would wear off and I would be in the
same place where I was before. Looking for something else to get me to change.
Roughly enough, picking up and moving, finding new friends, learning something
new became harder and harder. It was time for change in my mind and the way I
perceived the world. Regardless though, whatever has lead you to pick up this
book, whatever inner strife or maybe intellectual curiosity brought it about, it
typically means that change is in the air and I will probably have to give up
something that I utterly love to do. As I write, drinking an espresso and
smoking a cigarette, the inner guilt is killing me, but some things I just won’t
give up that easily. Even giving up cigarettes and coffee won’t do anything to
stop the cyclical path. It is all on the inside, and from there we take on the
next challenge but later and from a different approach. I won’t tell you what
to do because that is just arrogance and probably make you hate me and not recommend
people to read this, but what I will hope to do with as much cleverness as I
can muster up, is to prove to you by simple mathematics and a little spiritual
introspection of why the only way to get what you want in life is buried deep
inside you and to get it you have to look deep inside.
Upon
commencing to where this reality came and where this proof arrived I will have
to say that this book is not for the extremities. It is not for the over
optimist nor for the severely depressed. It is for the laymen as I consider
myself. The college kid who doesn’t have the luxury of just being able to study
and not worry about finances. For the kid who doesn’t always come home to pleasantries
but often times passed many hard times. For all of us who try to make our own
path, maybe through high school sports or the alternative scene that I chose
for myself. The kids who didn’t know how important doing well on the SAT was
and preparing for college. Us who on Friday nights just stayed out late and
drank the night away or did other mind altering things. The kids who might have
realized too late how bad certain drugs could ruin your life. How not standing
up for what you believed in led to something tragic. Maybe not directly, but
the mind laced with guilt, will find ways to prove that it was so. The list is
endless, but I believe you know who you are. Because in your mind is the place
where all of your realities exist. The only place you don’t have to lie and
pretend you are something else. The only sancuatary. So I don’t ask you to
divulge the truth of your unique past or true wants, but just to look at it and
say, that it is real and no matter what it is, there is always time to make the
best. That is the beautiful thing I have learned and it is something that
should be valued. It is like a poem, it is just a compilation of words and will
be interpreted differently by all. That is why there is no plan for you, but
only the proof of what self introspection will promote. To be explained further
but to reiterate whatever it is I believe we are an overlooked genre and all
the help goes to either the wealthy and well prepared or the poor with no
goals. We are the future though and to make that future bright we have to
allocate ourselves the best way and to do that we have to be spiritually sound.
I went through a lot of my life thinking I was better, that I didn’t belong
where I was but one thing you cant change is where you are from, what you can
do though is grow to love it, learn from it, and then take the necessary steps to
make one’s life worth living.
Quote: “A few drops here and there will create a flood”
Right now though I would like to
try, although the task will be difficult to lead you down my train of thoughts
to how my proof and logic of being more negative came to fruition. I can only
ask for you to bear with me for as in a poem, you might not see the links, but
I believe they are there. This and I believe, many can empathize, have been in
similar situations or noticed this about certain friends. Certain moments of
despair that encompass us during our lives. So after meeting and speaking with
so many people, it seemed to me that we all have a battle plan to get through
these moments of despair. Some would recluse themselves in their rooms, lights
dimmed, CD in hand with a guitar and callous their fingers away to lessen the
pain, while others would take bong rip after bong rip until there really wasn’t
anything actually to remember. I am as guilty as you on most measures. Maybe it
was through peer pressure or the denial of peer pressure. Television taught me
about how every girl was pretty so I tried the promiscuous life, which by all
means has given me great stories, but really has not done much to alleviate the
nagging. The worst to me is the ones who solve their problems by getting a
girlfriend. We all know that they attract the single worst thing for
themselves. They only get a girl because they want someone to whom to talk,
share feelings, and pass the endless loneliness. Someone to make them feel
important. This, to me, is the most dangerous because, and I am absolutely
guilty as the rest, is when you turn every fault of the girl into something positive.
Where you look past all the obvious signs of why the girl might not be the
right one. Shit, the only thing that can come from this is pain. If one is
lying to themselves about the relationship then truly that negative aura will
encompass the whole relationship. I don’t know if you can empathize but I
foolishly went down this path. I was living abroad and I thought this girl I met
was truly the ‘one’ for me. My intuition kept telling me not to trust her and
that who she projects herself to be is not the person who she really is. The
problem was I overlooked everything and changed my reality and the reality of
certain situations to make the love seem so real. And also, that girl could
have been amazing and a relationship could have been strong but I looked to it
as the savior of myself instead of something that would just take me to the
next level. If I would have had some courage I could have been able to question
the girl for who she was and really found a possible best friend or the perfect
match. Regardless though, what I want to express is that, I was so confused
internally about life decisions that needed to be made, I was 26, I was coasting
through life not really committing myself to anything. It was also the point
where I was not that young anymore. Like a pussy, instead of just waking up and
doing it I looked for something else to try and calm my internal strife. And
yes, it was a girl. The worst thing was that I thought she would be the
catalyst to my change but it was just a bandaid on a wound that needed surgery.
Oh and it just got worse. Of course no other person is going to lead one away
from facing themselves. What I did was just keep justifying and justifying. I
became a liar to people and most horribly a liar to myself. I will say with all
sincerity there were definitely good moments but they no way compared with all
of the shit that I went through. It was like a viscous cycle. I was losing
touch with my personal life and at the same time continuing to deny the writing
on the wall that the relationship was bringing so many problems and exacerbating
the original problems that I had. It was shitty. I kept comparing myself to
other people because of their fame, good looks, money, and popularity. Whatever
it was I could never be enough. Sadly it took me awhile to truly understand
that one can never find happiness unless one is happy with themselves. And
also, that girl could have been amazing and a relationship could have been
strong but I looked to it as the savior of myself instead of something that
would just take me to the next level. Yes
a cliché, but it is the truth. That is the rough thing too, I barely got out of
it. Barely was able to find myself again. That is why I write because in some inkling
of spiritual soundness I had the courage to face my demons and realize that
running away from a problem and trying to pretend it wasn’t there would
ultimately just put me into a spiritual jail. Now back to the point about
covering one’s own pain when they know they should be facing their own personal
truth whatever it may be. It is not to say that this relationship couldn’t have
worked at another time, or the girl couldn’t be amazing herself one day, but
the reality is, no matter what, the relationship will falter. It will end up
the way it started with lies and deception. This relationship problem is
troubling because if it is a friend who is in that situation, one can’t advise
them against it because in the short run they are happy and doing better. It is
a catch 22 because if you do advise them to break it off they will blame you
for their unhappiness. If you advise them to stay with them they will blame you
for not speaking your mind in the first place. Many told me things. Like you
are a fool or you are smart to follow your heart. No matter what they told me,
since I was truly lying to myself, I would spin it in the way that justified
running from my own pain. Ok so, whatever it may be, I don’t think it requires
me to go further because if you don’t realize the reasons inside your own mind
then for surely you have noticed them in your friends. It is always
easier to criticize others than oneself. That is the absolute truth.
So now it is time to tell you a little about this book and
why there is a need for you to read it. It is simple, living a life of fear
sucks and it makes everybody else’s life suck just as bad as the next. Making
yourself better is somewhat like chewing gum, it tastes great and gives you
something to do, but also, and thankfully helps the rest of by getting to smell
something refreshing rather than quincing. This book is not just for you I
guess but for all of us. In a sense I need you as we all do. The Socratic path
of introspection is not easy so if we all come together and fight for it the
effects will be felt everywhere. I need you to bring the positivity, that, when
facing my issues and fears seems so hard, I can feel it and use your strength
to help me or be helped be the person you indirectly helped by your path. Will
thank you now in hopes that maybe not you but someone affected by your path of
becoming maybe comes my way and helps me through a weak moment.
So I have conjured up, and it in most eyes,
literally, certain ways to analyze spirituality using some basic concepts of
economics and mathematics. To reiterate, it is a way to prove why you should be
more self introspective and inquiring. It will need a little openness on your
part, not a leap of faith, but just trust in it. All I want to do is prove why
you should be pursuing a life of conquering fears and loving the benefits of
it. trust me, I do not go technically overboard for two reasons. Firstly it is not
necessary and to me a waste of time and secondly because I couldn’t if I wanted
to. Ego problem as you can imagine.
I.
Why being more negative will make your life positive.
a. An
intro from where this concept came
b. Understanding
being more negative
II.
Why girls at bars are worthless
a. The
necessity of economics to understand
b. What
denotes price
c. Lemons
d. The
true hidden reason why I wrote this
III.
A really weird way to not become who you don’t want to
be
IV.
The importance of embracing and nurturing conflict
V.
How to view your business as your life
VI.
Using economics to understand why the world in which
live has some hope.
VII.
How ideas work; the subtle manifestation
VIII.
Of course a little to do about America.
IX.
Capitalism and Communism; enemies or distant relatives?
(In Spanish)
X.
Why you should just be a little better than the rest
XI.
Why I hate myself because I am a liberal
a. I
empathize too much therefore I am weak
XII.
Why learning a second language is the best way to help
cure your problems.
a. This
is my approach of course.
Why Being More
Negative Will Make Your Life Positive
An intro to from where
this concept came
Litany Against
Fear
I must not fear.
Fear is the
mind-killer.
Fear is the
little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my
fear.
I will permit it
to pass over me and through me.
And when it has
gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has
gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain
I will have to preface this chapter with experiential
situation that brought it about. I was sitting at a coffee shop with a friend
with who, in all reality, had nothing in common except the curiosity of
learning languages. We rarely spoke in English, this guy was an absolute
linguists genius coupled with more motivation than imaginable. At the age of 19
he had already conquered Spanish, English, French, Italian, Portugues and Patawa
slowly on his way to having fluidity in Russian and German. I don’t know how he
did it and nor do I want to because I just would get frustrated.
Well at
this coffee shop I finally realized why I was so glad we didn’t speak in
English all the time. The guy was an absolute religious guru. He had the best
heart in the world, but he was the worst type of religious devotee; born again.
Born agains are a special case because they committed themselves to changing their
whole life. They are fanatical because there is not a question in their minds
to the validity of their beliefs. How could there be? After transforming
themselves completely, getting rid of everything that was not in line with
their new lifestyle and convincing themselves that this new belief is that
which will set them free. It would be emotionally and spiritually devastating
to them to return to their old ways. Not to say that a friendship can not be
cultivated and flourish but one must be careful. Anyways, we started speaking
in English and the spiritual questions shortly ensued there after. No need to
delve into the obvious bantering discourse of which I am sure you are aware,
but only to focus on one explanation that he had of Jesus and how through this
realization, in his eyes, he finally got it.
To him, the
true realization of happiness was one day being completely one with his lord
savior. I myself, fount it rather ridiculous, but the way that you could feel
the utter joy and passion when he spoke about it was rather captivating. He continued
by explaining to me that in his world there were two planes. One was the plane
of reality in which we all find ourselves and the second was the plane of
divinity. In his eyes the more works by grace that he committed accrued
themselves simultaneously in both planes of his life. To him there was somewhat
of a personalized marker that would one day, when his time came to pass, enter
him until the bliss of divinity. Rationally, it was hard to swallow, but
emotionally as a human, it was an utter impact the way he transmitted his joy. Believe
me, this wasn’t the opener to the conversation, but the product of endless
transitions and branches of a typical conversation. Regardless though, I took
something very important from his explanations of the two planes of divinity
and reality. For me, not being very religious, divinity entered into me rather
differently. Instead of looking at one’s personal reality being made up of
their personal physical self and soul, I looked at the personal soul being that
of divinity and the physical self being that of reality. To be more clear, the
introspective path into one’s own soul has divinity at the end of the tunnel.
To me the divinity is the light that is so common to the above expression. .
Given that personal divinity is found within, the path has effects. To me the
plain of reality is the physical life that one lives. The effect of looking
into oneself is felt in the physical plain. In the above description that my
friend gave me it was the opposite. By doing good acts on this earth the
accrued ‘good will’ points follow upstairs in heaven. Similar to the above,
looking into yourself, combating and overcoming fears, will lead to more
clarity and to the path of divinity. While doing this, the same accruing takes
place in the physical world manifesting itself into many different ways.
So now that
you have been prefaced somewhat, I can begin to explain a little of the
reasoning from where ‘being more negative’ came. It is somewhat simple in its
understanding if you are willing to let go of some of your preconceived notions
of what words are supposed to mean.
Understanding being
more negative
To begin, a substantial quote:
"In the history of culture the
discovery of ZERO will always stand out as one of the greatest single achievements
of the human race."
-Tobiaz Danzig
So from the earlier explanation of how doing good deeds in
one plain leads to having happiness accrued in another plain comes the basic
understanding of becoming more negative. It is drawn from a very simple
comprehension of certain mathematical concepts. It all revolves around the
number zero and the endless possibilities that branch from it. The number zero
represents many things, but in its essential form it is symbolic for balance
between a world of numbers that exist and a world of numbers that do not. A
fellow German coffee compadre of mine gave me a wonderful explanation of it. He
just simply articulated the world of mathematics that is negative. It was effortless;
he wrote down the number 1 and said this exists because there are objects that
this number can symbolize. The he wrote down a -1 and said this is what
mathematicians created to give the balance of things. Maybe it was due to his
lacking of depth in the English language, but he continued to tell me that “it
doesn’t exist, how can you have something that is in negative space? It only
exists in the mind”. He kept saying it to me with the condescending facial
expressions and gestures that you get when computer nerds are explaining
something to you that you don’t get. Whatever it may be it stuck, but applied
to the social fabric of my life. **make
note of Indian view of negative numbers
So now we
can delve into this, but first we have to redefine the word negative in its
societal context. Looking it up in the dictionary you will get a slue of
definitions, but the basic one is having the quality of something harmful and
unpleasant. Going through life so many times I would hear somebody tell me not
to be so negative or negative thinking will get you nowhere. I ask you, how
many times you can recall hearing it. “Don’t have a negative attitude”, someone
says or, “this has a negative connotation”.
Maybe I am more of a pessimistic person but the word
negative typically means something that is not good. From all of this thinking
it helped me to not just think of the word negative but to many other words
that are taboo. The word ‘terror’ or many other words that once heard instantly
manifest ideas that weren’t originally associated with the word. It took awhile
but when I was able to distance myself from all of the preconceived societal
connotations of what things were supposed to mean I guess you could say that had
a subtle intellectual leap of faith; by changing the meanings of certain words
or norms I was able to see reality differently. I truly learned that with
seeing things objectively I was able to control my reality. This wasn’t a
one-stop-shop for transformation but somewhat of a lightning realization of the
power of perception and relativity. In that same flash of intuition I guess you
can say that in that moment is from where the title of this book came. I began
to think and analyze things for myself and instead of taking things as a given
I began to analyze them and internalize them from my point of view. So that is
what this book is about. Seeing the exact same things as you have seen before,
but just choosing how you want to perceive them instead of believing and
accepting the engraining of so many detrimental beliefs.
So, with the favor from you, and to
really understand this simple yet possibly effective philosophy, we must assign
the definition of negative as being something that only exists in the mind. May
it be thoughts, ideas, feelings, memories, emotions, fears, or intuition, but
it must pertain to anything that happens in the mind. It is whatever that is
intangible that pertains to your life. In reality it doesn’t exist because it
is inside of your mind. You might think of it as the building blocks of your
soul or the definitive qualities of who you are. It is hard to say that these
things that are so dynamic to an individual do not exist, but from a secular
point of view, when you die, they really don’t, they only survive in the minds
of people still left in the world that had the pleasure to know you.
So on the assumption that negative,
when applied to self analysis only means something that is internal we define
what positive means in the same context. From a yenyang perspective positive is
the exact opposite of negative. It will be anything that is considered external
in your life or anything physical that exists in your reality. May it be an
awesome friendship, a poor friendship, good interaction with your family. Or
maybe something as simple as a nice car, a dream job, a job where you
contemplate how bad you wish your boss would run himself into a wall, a good
paycheck. To some it could be a conversation with a friend that left you
altered forever or a big house. I am sure you get the point. It is what is
external in your life because from an empirical point of view it is all that we
truly know.
In a more academic sense, old Indian
mathematicians used to denote a positive number as a fortune, a zero as a
cipher and a negative number as a debt. With a little research you can find
that the Europeans didn’t accept negative numbers until the 16th
century and up until that time considered them an absurdity. They also were
slaughtering people by the thousands for not believing in Catholicism so they
don’t deserve that much credit, but that is another story. Basically we have
applied the mathematical definitions to a realistic situation. Personal note; I
knew high school math class would someday be applicable to the real world. To
reiterate, because this is very important, are these definitions:
Negative: Something that is internal and in your mind.
It is neither bad nor good it is
simply description of what happens internally in your mind.
Positive:
Anything in society that is relevant to your mind.
Zero:
the balance in between positive and negative.
O.k. so now I will reiterate a little on the basic building
blocks of mathematics to see how truly relevant they are in our own little
worlds and not just in the classroom. As I said earlier mathematics in its
essential form is basically numbers that create balance. You can think of it as
an equation. Something must equal something. From these basic concepts came the
elegant mathematics that has made our lives so simplified.
Applied to
our lives I propose that we have the necessary tools to analyzing ourselves to
ultimately become a little bit more aware of our personal selves to ascertain a
richer life - the first process of becoming more negative. I just am going to
say this right now, becoming more negative is about creating more personal
negative energy. I don’t want anyone to think that I am talking about Chakras
or Nirvana or any other of the Buddhist terminology for this is not a book
about meditation. It is about creating a type of energy that will attract
another type of energy that will create balance in one’s life similar to that
of what happens in mathematics.
What I want you to understand is
that we accrue negative energy by
delving into our personal self and trying to understand the internal workings
of who we are – ultimately becoming more aware of who we are. To create this
good negative energy one has to face their own personal fears and overcome self
deteriorating thinking. The more that these fears and confronted, understood
and conquered more negative energy will be created. For example a close friend
of mine always had the problem of submerging himself to the bantering of
others. He would never stand up for himself and at the end of the day would be
unhappy or drink himself stupid. I don’t believe I need to describe this
further because I think we all have had a friend similar to this. He would
always just allow himself to be bullied but to him he could say that he had
good friends but the reality is the friends of his were just shit. They could
care less about the guy. It was hard though because he was loosing his real
friends by acting so belligerently. It wasn’t until one day when he began to
finally see what he was loosing and began to question the reasons for which he
was acting so. It is hard for guys to open up but he did tell me how fearful he
really was of looking stupid or loosing friends if he really showed them his
true personality. Yes this was due to a lot of alcohol and a little ‘I love you
man’ but it worked and it helped. His solution to protect himself was to just
endure being made fun saving the pain of it for when he was alone. He still had
his friends but the really only kept him around because he was always willing
to get pissed on. It was a downward spiral for him he was self destructive -
luckily his self medication didn’t bring him to die from it.
One day he woke up and decided that
he needed to face his demons. He confronted his fear of failure and not being
accepted by just being who he was. In that moment, maybe a rite of passage into
his spiritual self, analyzed from the ‘building more negativity approach, he
created a substantial amount of negative energy. He looked into his own mind
and learned more about himself. As you can imagine the majority of his so
called friends disappeared out of his life. The great thing though is that the
ones that belonged let him know that it was about time he starting acting more
like himself. We all knew his potential. Another beautiful thing is that he
began to attract a lot more people that liked him for who he truly was. Some could
say that his realization was just apart of growing up but with more analysis
you could see how paramount it really was for him. He looked into the abyss of
himself, confronted fears, and gained a bunch of negative energy. In return,
through the laws of mathematics, that energy had to be matched by positive
energy. It did, by substantiating better friendships, solidifying current
friendships and alleviated the need to for a self destructive personality. In a
sense he became a little more aware and a touch more happy. He didn’t have the
same life but he also wasn’t killing himself. To me, he found that sometimes
what you think you should do, isnt always the best path. He was fortunate, it
always gives me hope when I think of him. It helps to reinforce my theory that
these subtle ‘personal awakenings’ don’t have to be by chance. They can easily
come from just understanding the laws by which they are ruled. Simply stated,
he delved into himself, looked at his fears, faced them, let them pass through
him, understood them and built and accrued a great amount of negative energy.
Simultaneously, this energy found itself in the physical world and help to
reinforce his new self.
To me the above is a simple way to
understand it but can be trivialized because many people just see it as
standard operations in one’s life. I guess maybe just part of growing up. In
this next example I will try to use a more realistic approach that to me helps
discern the being more negative theory from things that have already been
noticed in one’s own life. It comes from the saying I have heard many times
from many of my friends and personally out of my own mouth. “Why is it that
when you are single and you go to the
bars or a party and try to find a girl it is almost impossible, but, isn’t it
the damndest thing that the moment that you have a girlfriend you notice so
many other girls taking interest?” Is this a common phenomenon that has been
accepted as a norm?
Well, I don’t think it is so cut
and dry. To analyze this we will look at both situations and then draw a
conclusion. I remember vividly as you might so many times going to the bar to
try and pick up on girls. Every time I would go with that mentality one of two
things would happen. I would talk to girls, get rejected, or by some chance get
decently lucky and carry on a conversation to quickly realize that it would be
in vain with somewhat of a lemon girl( chapter 2 will shed some light on this
terminology) . Getting rejected was the typical norm because to be honest the
goal was to hook up with a chic not sit and spend ridiculously amounts of money
on overpriced beer. Sometimes I guess I would convince myself that it was
somewhat of a contact sport of statistics where the more girls I would talk to
the odds of my success would increase. The only problem was that it was
mentally taxing and the more girls to whom I would speak the more beers I would
drink ultimately altering the thickness of my beer goggles. I guess that is
where the term ‘coyote ugly’ came from. It was somewhat of a vicious cycle until
I realized that the costs were outweighing the benefits – there weren’t any
real benefits actually.
There were those times though when
it just so happened that I would go and have outstanding success. I would
really not have to do anything about it. It would just happen that I would meet
good looking girls effortlessly. They would seem so interested in everything.
So that lead me to a little introspection. I would think about my current
situation when those marvelous occurrences came into my life. Oddly enough it
was those times when I really didn’t care. I was completely content with my
current situation. Two times stuck out the most to me. The first was when I
would sit and hang with my friend Bruce. Although heroin unfortunately got the
best of him (RIP) we would sit and strategize ideas on life, business, talk
about snowboarding, analyze the world, but most importantly not give a damn
about what was going on in the outside world.
The other time would be when my
friends would coerce me into going out to the bars with them when they knew
damn well that I was happily content with my current girlfriend. I swear, I
wouldn’t have to try anything to talk to girls. It was almost ridiculous how
easy it was to pull girls. I would have to sit there and stand and hang out
with the girls that my friends persuaded to come and talk to us. You could tell
that the girls had a genuine interest of who I was and not what I looked like.
Good thing. It honestly would piss me off because I didn’t want to be there in
the first place and where in the hell were the girls when I was happily single
willing to accept almost anything depending on the amount of beer that I had
that night.
Another good quote, actually two of them:
“To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are”
“I don’t have enough time to be ‘too cool’ or be somebody I am not,
life is right now”
So when this first occurred to me I
thought that maybe it had to do with the conversation that I would have with
these girls that kept them so interested in me. Looking back, I realized that I
didn’t care what they thought nor was I trying to impress them. I was simply being
myself not having the slightest concern of whether or not we were going
eventually see each other again. On the other hand, I remember the exact
opposite when the same conversation would begin to unfold when I was
single. I would always try to say things
to minimally impress the girl or say what I thought she might want me to say. I
found myself somewhat as playing the role of the actor not realizing at the
time that I was absolutely horrible at it. Knowing that of course my success
picked up somewhat after the fact but nothing in comparison to the girls that I
could of have hooked up with if when I had a girlfriend.
So that led me to delve further
into the reasons for which my potential success was so different between the
times that I had a girlfriend and the times without. I started to analyze what
were the main differences. I realized that when I didn’t have a girlfriend,
finding girls to hook up with somewhat engulfed my thought process. On an even
deeper side it was that I truly was lonely and wanted the companionship of a
girl. Maybe it was that good feeling you get that you have when you know
someone really wants to be with you or that simply you feel wanted, but
whatever it was it was quite comforting. I found out that instead of wasting my
time always thinking about girls or trying to find them, I focused more on
myself and doing better at the things I was currently doing. I began to work
more efficiently, my grades always improved and I truly feel that I was
absorbing what I was learning rather than just memorizing it to pass a test. I
found myself being more of a decent person which led to others enjoying the
time they spent with me. Overall I was confronting personal things in my life
and largely improving myself. Getting back into the things that I stopped
doing. I was reading more, writing more and just ultimately enjoying the subtleties
of life.
Obviously this example stuck out so
much to me when I was conceptualizing being more negative. I found that since I
didn’t have to worry about the distractions of wasting my time trying to be
someone I wasn’t I found myself confronting myself on a lot of different
issues. Instead of hanging out with people I didn’t really care about I was
passing the time with quality people, having really good conversations and becoming
more of a contented person. My negative energy was increasing and I truly
believe that I was attracting all of the good fortune that was coming my way. To
reiterate, I will go as far to say that by focusing more on myself, I created a
lot of energy that had to be matched by its physical counterpart. That is the
beautiful thing about it, there must be balance and by focusing on yourself you
can control the balance, or should I say the process that leads to the balance;
gaining so much quality positive things in my life. To me this is a very common
thing. Not only by focusing on myself I would attract the most well rounded
woman; beautiful, intelligent, creative and not too concerned with just the
material side of life. Actually, this might come as a shock to some, but it
weeded out all of the needless girls that were absolutely a waste of time.
Don’t get me wrong, I believe that there is an important place for them in
society but not in mine.
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